Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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