I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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