Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
