you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
