so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
