i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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