Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
