Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
