when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
