I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
