i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
