Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
