I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
