the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
