whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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