She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
