you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I haven't been this sober since birth.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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