Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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