Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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