I'm gonna have a badass scar
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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