R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
