you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
