My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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