apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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