Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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