you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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