Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
