you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
