just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
