I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
