I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
