I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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