Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
