so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
