I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
