dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
