chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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