I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
