Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
