when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He? As in you personified your dick?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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