So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
