I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
