i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
