so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
