just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
