Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
