I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
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please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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