mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
