I haven't been this sober since birth.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
