you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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