I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
