I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's shark week go big or go home
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
