im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
