I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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