My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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