Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
