Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
