i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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