I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
